I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
