if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize