Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
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They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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