How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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