my mouth tastes like poor choices
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
