So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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