btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
