He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?