My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.