the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
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When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
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It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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