I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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