i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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