I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
