Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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