Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
