I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
