I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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