See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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