made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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