happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
