look no pants
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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Green mimosas i think yes
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
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I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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