sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
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Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.