When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
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So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
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I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid