I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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