I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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