I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Randomize
