i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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