Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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