tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
