We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
