When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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