Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
