if you like me you must not know who I am
I will die if light touches me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
