we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
