I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.