Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack