you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
