We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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