I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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