i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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