Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
