I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
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Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
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As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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