I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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