separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think people are normalizing furries
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
