My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
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we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
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I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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