I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
