Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...