i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing