Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments