a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"