my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.