I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
