i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
