It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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