I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
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Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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