So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
