Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
